Things aren't the same as they used to be, the Andersons claim.
If the name Anderson sounds familiar, then you might be a fan of suns. Artifical suns that is. Anderson suns have been a hit product for a while now.
Ever since college costs started to rise, the amount of sun college students get has been steadily decreasing. It turns out there isn't a lot of natural light in the library, especially if you're holed up trying to make the most of the wifi while trying to cram four years of education into one because you can't afford the former.
Enter Anderson suns. Anderson suns are super powerful suns made from broken dreams and carcinogens. They provide a deficit of the amount of sun you'd get from going outside five times over. However, they were successfully defended in court as a substitute for being allowed to go outside. Employers who never want their employees to leave love it!
The Andersons love their suns too. They use them on their own employees to maximize assembly line proficiency.
"This is America," Mrs Anderson smiles condescendingly, "We as business owners have the freedom to treat our employees however we like. If they want different, they can simply leave and find another job."
"As long as that other job is still under the Anderson cooperation," Mr Anderson pats his little wife on the head, "We also have a fake rain division that uses the tears from God's disappointment in humanity. So they could also work there. I mean if they actually did strike out on their own, we would accuse them of being lazy and slander them constantly."
We asked an employee named Francis what he thinks:
"Oh thank the Lord! I've been in this basement for a month. I haven't eaten or drunk anything. I don't know how I'm still alive. I think they're putting something in the air called 'aerated french fries'? I also haven't needed to use the restroom. I'm kind of concerned actually. Call an ambulance after you contact the police, please!"
"Aw Francis," Mr Anderson balls his fist, veins surging in his hands, "He's such a joker. The fact that he's not grateful to us is so funny. As long as you're employed, you really shouldn't get to complain about anything. In this economy, just about everyone should feel indebted to their bosses."
"Everyone but our sons that is!" Mrs Anderson suddenly sobs.
That's right! The Andersons have a bone to pick with their son's employers. Ever since they started their company, their sons have left the Anderson home. They claim the sun has set on the Anderson legacy and that their great grandfather's grandson who left his sons in old sun country would hate to see the Anderson family sundry fortune used to sell suns. The Anderson sons have since gone back to the old sun country. There, they're trying to pursue new careers in order to support their suns. Their employers say they're on ice for being "new hires", and won't give them time off.
The other Andersons aren't happy about it.
"Children these days already place such little value on traditional family values. They don't always follow the paths their parents set out for them," Mrs Anderson chokes, "Making it hard for them to visit on the holidays is a travesty."
Mr Anderson nods, his toupee flying off and smacking me in the face, "We demand our children be allowed to come home. Do you want some cheap advice? If you want to make more money, make sure your staff is well cared for, invest in team building, analyze your audience and make good content. Don't overwork your employees!"
You heard it here first folks. Advice on how to run a successful business and how to treat your employees is a rare find. In this interview, we've figured out the best way to try to communicate concerns to your boss and suggest ways you might improve your current employment situation.
It's easiest to remember stuff like this in a numbered list. Let's do it now:
1. Don't try.