Otterbox Shatters Skull Of Mom Still Trying To Whip

August 6, 2018

Today, a small family of now two people remember the anniversary of their matriarch accidentally killing herself with an Otterbox.

 

 

"I kept telling her to stop trying to relate to me. Especially because she only did outdated memes and really weird version of dance moves but," Sally Mae Dottie Lee Hansen chokes, "She just didn't listen."

 

Three hundred and sixty five days ago today, Marie Lou Georgia May Billie Lou Hansen attempted to whip and met a fatal end. It was a really sunny day, the kind of sunny day that can only come as a result of horrific pollution and God's disappointment in humanity. Sweat was in everyone's eyes, and annoyance was buzzing around in everyone's minds.

 

The Hansen household just wanted to stay at home with their faces in the ice maker and their butts sticking in a fan, but Marie Lou Georgia May Billie Lou Hansen insisted that "staying in on such a nice day would be a war crime".

 

The family reluctantly trudged after her in a Farmer's Market. It was pretty quiet, because most of the vendors had passed out. Marie Lou Georgia May Billie Lou Hansen took the silence of her family to be an insult, and insisted they "get wild yo".

 

"I'm just trying to relate to you guys and get closer in the process," She huffed in the middle of the Farmer's Market none of her children could afford.

 

 

"You guys don't appreciate me! You know what . . . "

 

Sally Mae Dottie Lee Hansen's eyes widened with recognition, "Mom, no."

 

"I just got to push away the haters!" Marie Lou Georgia May Billie Lou Hansen announced loudly to her family.

 

Awkwardly raising her foot, Marie Lou Georgia May Billie Lou Hansen jerked her arms to the side and dropped into a lunge. Her heel immediately snapped as she mixed up whipping with dabbing.

 

Her phone went flying out of her hand, but the earphone buds in her ears sent it flying back. Henry George Cotton Eye Joe swore as her chunky Otterbox case sent the phone flying through her skull. The horrified Hansen family screamed as her "dabbing" turned into "deathing". The town has been remembering the matriarch's death ever since.

 

"We just want to remind people to be careful out there," Sally Mae Dottie Lee Hansen sobs, "Of terribly designed chunky phones and trying to be hashtag relatable. You don't need to do memes to your kids, Jesus Christ."

 

We here at Under15 agree. Trying to be cool and edgy is so 2000 and late hahahahahaha.

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