How To Have A Fancy Picnic

September 21, 2018

Everyone wants to change up their screaming cage from time to time. Shouting in existential horror within the confines of your own bedroom can get pretty boring. This little lifehack is for people who really want to mix it up. 

Fancy picnics are definitely a rich person thing, despite their simple aesthetic. Who else has time to splurge on foods with all sorts of strange spices and the money to no be working? 

With a little effort though, you can recreate the feeling and head out during one of your shift breaks. Try 9:00 p.m. The sprinklers go off a lot less.


1. A Chicken

A chicken can be found almost everywhere. In your refrigerator, on a farm, even in a Walmart parking lot. Whole chickens are usually pretty cheap and can be pretty filling once you get all the gravel off.

2. Celery Stalk, Boiled Eggs, and Onion Whatever

Celery stalks are those weird green C-shaped things that you see in salad bars sometimes. Mix them together with chopped onions and pour some kind of fancy mustard or chipotle over it. It's kind of like coleslaw, but it's not. Throw some chopped boiled onions in there for some squishy texture. Tell yourself a soccer mom named Helen made it and now she's watching you eat it right now.

3. Can of Dry Beans

Cans of beans are usually super cheap. People also put breadcrumbs in theme, so it's likely you'll attract some geese and let them down. Fucking geese, no one likes them. They can be dry if you want.

4. Steamed Carrots

If you put carrots in a pot, pour in some water, put on the lid and start the burner, the carrots lose their will to keep it together and start crying. Steamed carrots are usually pretty easy to make and fit in your mouth.

5. Pasta

Pasta is always a win-win. You can buy a cheap sauce to pour over it or just season it with a fancy $5 bottle of some sort of spice. The crunch is lovely.

6. Bananas

7. Potatoes And Oatmeal

As long as you don't mix them together, you can make two separate bowls of potatoes and oatmeal. They both look super plain, so you can pretend to be a rich peasant eating two different kinds of gruel.

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